The 3 Words Not To Be Taken At Face Value
“I don’t know” is not a dead-end, it’s your opening.
Here’s the scene:
You’re in a 1:1. Your team member brings up a challenge they’re having with a stakeholder.
You, wanting to step into coach mode, ask: What’s on your mind for a good next step?
They respond:
I don’t know.
The 3 words most leaders dread.
The 3 words that are a trap – don’t fall for it!
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Why It’s a Trap
The response, “I don’t know,” moves many of us from coaching-mode to telling-mode.
We take I don’t know at face value and we jump in with solutions, recommendations, and suggested next steps.
Here’s the hard truth – they do know.
And yet we’ve fallen into the trap, reducing their empowerment, reducing our effectiveness as leaders, and in many cases, we’re now increasing their dependence on us.
What I Don’t Know Really Means
There are 3 primary reasons they’re holding back. I don’t know can be code for:
I’m not confident enough in my response.
I’m afraid of what you’re going to think of my solution.
You’re going to micromanage me and tell me what to do anyway, so why bother telling you what I think?
In my experience, lacking confidence and fearing judgment are the primary drivers of folks using these 3 words.
Let me pause here for a moment…
I want to call out the micromanagement angle because it’s very real. I’ve had multiple clients expressing this sentiment to me lately.
It goes like this:
Their leader asks them to take something on.
They do.
Leader comes back with questions.
Person responds with I don’t know because they know their leader is just going to jump in and take over anyway.
In these cases, not only is I don’t know the path of least resistance, I’d bet money that the leader has no idea their team member perceives them to be a micromanager.
How To Shift The Dynamic
You’ve now identified that the majority of the I don’t knows you get are stemming from lack of confidence.
Good news!
It’s a dynamic you can easily shift.
The next time you hear I don’t know, try this:
1. Pause and acknowledge the challenge
No worries. Let’s pause here for a moment, it’s fair you likely weren’t prepared to answer that question.
2. Then, welcome their creativity
Pretend for a moment you did have an idea for an initial next step, what might come to mind?
3. Then, stay silent. Let them think.
Guess what – they’re going to say something like
I guess what I could do is…
4. Jump on it…this is your chance to boost their confidence!
Yes! I love it…now build upon it. What else is now coming to mind?
5. Let them share and applaud their thinking.
I like it. I trust you to get going with these next steps. I also love that you had the answers in you all along. Don’t be afraid to trust yourself.
One Caveat
It goes without saying, when you have someone brand new in the role, or brand new in the organization, you’re going to need to consider when they truly don’t know because they're new vs when they’re needing affirmation of their thinking to boost their confidence.
What I tend to find, when taking this approach of not accepting I don’t know as an answer, when folks truly are stumped, they come to me differently.
It sounds like this:
I’ve been racking my brain and I’d love your help because I’m coming up blank.
I’m feeling stumped as every solution I’m coming up with feels like the wrong path, I don’t know what to do here, can you help?
Final Thought
I don’t know doesn’t actually mean they don’t know.
Leverage it as the opportunity it is: to be their coach, boost their confidence, and empower them to trust their instincts.
That’s it for today…short, sweet, and highly applicable.
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I’m Katie!
I help leaders drive stronger business results through group training & coaching.
I'm also a mom, triathlete, & cowgirl who loves country music and good martinis.
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I also have a lot of leaders during coaching say I don't know. I just stay silent for a bit and then they start speaking themselves! Great tips esp for a new leader or a leader whose working with a different type of employee and who may not trust themselves as much yet!