Stop Doing These 5 Things—Your Team Hates Them
5 common manager habits that do more harm than good—and what to do instead.
Today I’m sharing 5 common actions your people hate. And when you stop these in their tracks, you’ll see your management and leadership effectiveness elevate!
Let’s dive in…
#1 - Stop pinging, “hey, do you have a minute?”
It’s a harmless question, and yet, coming from a person of power, it creates panic for those who receive it.
A funny story to illustrate…
Let’s travel back to ~2009 at Yelp HQ in San Francisco.
We all sat on pods with a fully open floor plan. These were pre-Slack days, and we were rocking gchat with no emojis and just old school smiley faces :) as the only way to convey tone.
My leader, Jami, wanting to always be respectful of people’s time and work, would ping us all a version of, “hey, have a minute?”
I was sitting at my desk and I see Shaina stand up to walk over to Jami.
She said, with a laugh:
“Jami, stop doing that! I get an irrational fear that I’m getting fired every time you ping this.”
Then Kaitlin jumped in, “OMG, me too! I have the same reaction!”
We all were laughing because we all felt the same irrational response to the simplest of questions!
Then there was Jami, laughing with us, and saying, “what the hell am I supposed to do?”
Our guidance?
Lighten up - add exclamation marks or smiley faces. Things like: "Hi!!!!! Gotta minute?!" or "Hey, let me know when you have a minute, I have a QQ :-)"
Share context - "Hi! When you have a minute I want to get your thoughts on an idea I have. You're always insightful"
And, to be clear, Jami was, and is, an exceptional leader!
Pause to think…what’s your reaction when you get a request for your time without context? Especially in this environment of uncertainty and change.
Exactly!
2 additional examples of adding context to your DM:
“Hey, do you have a minute? I’m hoping to get your eyes on the data table in this presentation.”
“Hey, I’d love your input on something I’m considering, have a few min to chat today?”
#2 - Stop starting feedback conversations with, “Can I give you some feedback?”
In the last 5 years, I’ve taught a few thousand people more effective tools for delivering feedback (shameless plug…get on the waitlist for the next cohort of my feedback course.)
To illustrate my point here, I’ll use data from a recent group of 75.
They were asked a simple question:
Which would you prefer to hear:
Can I give you some feedback?
I’m seeing a way for you to have a greater impact, do you have a few minutes?
Check out the overwhelming response:
And want to know how people feel when they hear, “Can I give you some feedback?”
The top reactions:
What did I do?
Oh no
Dread/panic
What to do instead: approach the conversation with a more deliberate transition that sends a message of safety.
Examples:
Can we connect for a few minutes? I’m seeing an opportunity to strengthen your communication and I want to help you get set up for success.
I’m hoping you and I can connect on something I’m seeing as a potential blindspot, could we hop on the phone and chat through?
I’d love to give you coaching on an area I know will be important for where you want to take your career, do you have a few minutes
I have a few ideas to help take your ____ to the next level, interested in connecting and chatting through?
These openers:
Send a message of good intent
Prioritize their self-interest/aspirations
Ask permission for their time
#3 - Stop moving their 1:1s
Frequent reschedules, last minute cancellations, and regularly being late for 1:1s…ingredients that send an unintended message that they’re not important.
I get it, meetings get scheduled, you’re pulled in a lot of directions.
AND it’s also possible to ensure your people feel prioritized by keeping your commitments to your people.
Tactics I’ve used:
+/- 1 day rule - if a reschedule is unavoidable, I prioritize ensuring they get their 1:1 within a day of our regularly scheduled time.
Hold boundaries - when others send me invites that conflict with 1:1s, I reach out to them immediately to let them know I already have a commitment and I propose another time.
Watch for patterns - If I’ve had to reschedule on the same person more than once in the last 4-6 weeks, then I consider if it would be better to move the standing meeting to another day/time.
#4 - Stop assuming they know they’re valued
This one is a painful lesson to learn. Maybe you’ve been on the other end of it, too?
It looks like this:
Your top person resigns
You’re super surprised
You try to keep them
They decline your offer
They wish they’d known how important they were before they quit
I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve heard this in the last 5 months alone!
What to do instead: tell your people you value them, repeatedly.
The key? Build your appreciation muscle.
A quick glimpse at Appreciation vs Recognition:
Examples of communicating Value & Appreciation:
I’m so grateful you’re on this team. You bring a level of calm and creative troubleshooting when we’re putting out a fire and I hugely value you.
I have to tell you how much I value you. Your thoughtful communication and how you’re able to zoom out with a broader perspective, two really impactful ways you’re modeling excellence within this team. Thank you!
I’m not sure I communicate how much I value you enough! You’re steady, an utter joy to work with, and you help us all be better. We’re so lucky to have you!
#5 - Stop giving them all the answers
Time and again, when I ask people to describe the best managers they’ve had, they’ve said things like:
She challenged me to think through things.
The best manager I ever had built my confidence to trust my instincts.
He was always willing to be a sounding board and I appreciated he let me fail so I could learn.
These sentiments are backed up by data.
The number 1 quality of a good manager is they are a good coach (Google Project Oxygen).
Stop giving them all the answers and step more powerfully into being their coach.
Two examples to illustrate:
I’m struggling to gain buy-in from Joe, what should I do next?
🚫 Here’s what I would do…I’d first do xyz, then abc.
✅ What’s your gut telling you would be a good next step? What’s your hunch for what’s behind the hesitation? If you sat in Joe’s shoes, what might you want to hear?
I’ve got a client escalation that I need your help on.
🚫 Thanks for all the background. Let’s go ahead and do ___, and then let’s have you follow up with ___.
✅ What are you noticing is the root of your challenge? What recommendation are you wanting to make as a next step?
If there’s 1 thing I’ve learned managing people, it’s they generally have the answers within them. And the more I can help them to a) have the confidence to express what they’re thinking and, b) help them flush out their thinking, the more independent and impactful they will be.
Summary
If you want to instantly level up your management game, start by cutting out these 5 common (but avoidable) behaviors your team secretly hates:
Vague pings that spike anxiety
Opening with “Can I give you feedback?”
Constantly moving their 1:1s
Assuming they know they’re valued
Solving every problem for them.
Each of these actions erodes trust and effectiveness in subtle ways.
Instead, take actions that send a message of: “I see you, I trust you, and I’m here to help you grow.”
As always, be human and have high standards.
- Katie
I’m Katie!
I help leaders drive stronger business results through group training & coaching
I'm also a mom, triathlete, & cowgirl who loves country music and good martinis.
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